Debriefing

Are we trapped by our choices?

Dear Leo,

Do you think that we are trapped by our choices?

By the time you travelled to Taraka for the first time, Columbia was already a wreck. Remember that joke? “Columbia is just a third-world country with a Vespucci belt.” We laughed at that one a lot, not really noticing the mote in God’s eye. 

This morning, we had some disturbing news. There have been further incursions on the east side of the Wall. This is the first time since the Third Eastern Invasion. Cinasthana denies everything of course, and there is no further news. The successes of the Chakravyuh are of course being touted again and again in the news. But, now that I know a little bit about how the media functions, I have my doubts. Steady comparisons are being made to Columbia burning itself out from the inside, trying to expand into places where they don’t belong. But they conveniently forget to mention that Cinasthana doesn’t have idiots in power, like Columbia did. 

You chose to leave when you did. But now you are trapped outside the Wall. I chose to stay, to fight. I thought it all changed. But all we did was put on blinkers and close ranks and seal the borders. The New Partition was the last nail in the coffin. 

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m rambling about all this. I guess something that happened yesterday sort of tripped me up. 

Yesterday, I had a debriefing session with Betaal. I was waiting for it, but I was not sure how he was going to react. That familiar buzz on my neck and he spoke in my ear. His voice was neutral, almost pleasant. 

“Congratulations on your first mission. The Outsider you both took down was of a completely different class. We are studying the creature, its exoskeleton, everything about it. We expect to gain valuable intel from it.Good work.”

I didn’t say anything, but I couldn’t help but smile a little bit. I’m a sucker for validation. 

“The Protector seems to think that this means you can work well, but only in a team. I… I still think you’re a bit of a loose cannon, but the Protector wants you to continue to do missions with other Vikrams. It might be an experiment. Your colleague spoke highly of your ...abilities.”

“I was barely doing anything at all. She’s the one who managed to finish it.” I said, not wanting to take too much credit. But it’s nice to know Aaliyah didn’t think I was totally useless. 

Betaal kept talking as if he hadn’t heard. 

“It’s difficult logistically. I am used to dealing with one operative at a time. But we can figure something out. Tell me about the mission in detail. I’ve already heard from your colleague.” The implication that he wanted to check if our stories matched was not lost on me. I wasn’t worried though. I had done nothing Betaal wouldn’t have expected me to do. I went over the mission in detail. I may have downplayed the mild crisis I had about actually killing these Outsiders. I was sure that was something Betaal wouldn’t approve of.

He kept interrupting to ask questions. He was particularly interested in the armour the Outsider was wearing and in his last words. “You are certain that’s what it said?” He asked when I told him that the Outsider had spoken to me. “Yeah, it was something like “Varaharra”, I think, not sure.” I did not want to let on that I knew something about what the Outsider was referring to. We remember things, regardless of how much the country wants us to forget that there are things outside the Wall that aren’t to be hated. “And you are sure it didn’t say anything else?” Betaal persisted. I replied, “Not a word. Aa...Vikram severed its head before it could utter another word.” I do not know if he spotted the slip. I may have glossed over the fact that Aaliyah and I had exchanged names, because I was fairly certain that Betaal would not approve of it.  Betaal grunted and said no more. 

“So what’s next, boss?” I threw in a chuckle that sounded fake to me, but I was hoping it would pass for mirth. 

Betaal remained silent, like he was thinking about something. Before I could ask a second time, he said, “We also...we recovered a data bank from the Outsider.” Betaal’s voice went quiet. 

“What do you mean?” I asked. Something about Betaal's tone struck a note of worry in me.

"We have some disturbing information that we feel can change things drastically. The Outsider was ferrying information, designs, plans to make new weapons. There was also a list of names and coordinates… they were all in Amba." 

I realised what he meant. 

"You're saying The Outsiders have sympathisers in the city?" 

Betaal grunted assent. "We still have to work on the information we have. Some of it is encrypted. Some of it is in a language that we don't understand. We don't have all the details yet, but we do know that we need to act fast. We have to deal with this issue. Permanently." 

I heard the grim tone in his voice and I froze. "That's… that's acting against the citizens. Our citizens."

Betaal didn't respond. 

"That's not right, Betaal." 

"You want to let them tear this city apart from the inside?" His voice rose. 

"No, but I want to find out what the Outsiders want to do in the first place. And how they're recruiting Amba citizens to their cause." 

"Vikram! This is not up for debate. The Outsiders will eat this city up from its heart to its skin. Amba is one of the few places that doesn't have the protection of the Wall. We cannot afford to let it fall!" Betaal was definitely yelling at this point. 

"And we won't. But why can't we…" 

Betaal cut me off brusquely, "You fucking coward! You chose this! Did you think you could shy away from doing anything it takes? There are countless lives at stake here. And you want to do what? Have a dialogue with the Outsiders?" 

I was trying to be as calm as I could. I wanted to reason it out with him, but I could sense him getting angrier. 

"I'm not saying that. I just need to know. Where do we draw the line?" 

Betaal retorted roughly, "You think I don’t know that? This is not the time to quit. We will demolish this rot, to its last molecule. With you, or without you, if we have to. You need to ask yourself this. Where do you draw the line? What would you do to save this city, if you knew that you could?" 

And with that he was gone. And I was left in the dark again.

I don't know the answer to that, Leo. The Outsiders, I don't feel any need to protect them, though I still think twice about murdering them. But what Betaal was talking about. That's ...that's going to be a lot tougher. Whom do you save? Whom do you kill? How do we know where to stop? 

Not to mention the fact that SATARC will be hard on our tail if we start operating against Amba residents. My theory is that so far they have only been looking into the Vikrams half-heartedly because we share a common enemy, a common goal. When that changes, I have no idea what happens. 

I chose to protect this city, its people. But this is the choice that is locking me into making decisions that are growing tougher for me to stand by. 

I wish I could speak to Aaliyah about this. Figure out how she deals with this. But we have no way of making contact right now. So for now, you'll have to bear with my thoughts on the matter. 

If you have something to say, now would be a good time to weigh in. 

Love 

N

PS Remember the silver obloid case that I have stashed away in my drawer? I tried to operate it, thinking it was similar to the horn. But what if I'm wrong? What if it's something like the data bank Betaal was talking about. Need to look into that. I'll keep you posted.